UPDATED: 40 Shades of Kathy Coming in…it’s here, suckas.
#40iscoming. 39 forever!!
5/7/2015 – So…this happened today…I’m 40. FORTY. Cuarenta and it’s already starting out wonderfully.
Breathe in…and breathe out.
Things that make you realize you’re entering a new stage of your life:
1. You look at a celebrity and think “He’s cute but he’s a child…” He’s 20. You’re literally old enough to be his mother. Avert the eyes…I repeat, avert the eyes.
*(whispering) Isn’t Ansel Elgort so dreamy? Avert the eyes!!!!!
2. When you look at yourself in the mirror and you know people be lying when they tell you you look like you’re still in your 20’s cause your face indeed looks noticeably older. Filthy sweet liars 😉
3. When you see girls checking out your husband and you’re like “he’s complaining about turning 36 when I’m entering my pre-twilight years and these little perky 20 somethings are swooning over my dude…” (Yay me)
4. When no matter how much you work out, things aren’t up where they used to be and they will never be ever again. I’m now beginning to understand why so many do the mommy body makeovers. I totally understand the desire to, I just don’t care enough to do it and also, ain’t nobody got money to pay for plastic surgery when you’ve got your kids school tuition to pay for…Oy.
5. When you’ve worn make-up only a handful of times in your lifetime and you find yourself saying to your husband “I’m looking older now, I think it’s time to give the illusion of youth and start wearing some face paint.”
6. When you listen to a song that used to be your favorite as a 20 something and you find yourself saying “Oy, this is giving me a headache…”
7. When all the guys you swooned over as a teen are now 50-70 years old, dead or really big L. Ron Hubbard fans.
8. When you can’t eat certain foods your once iron stomach used to handle beautifully because almost everything now gives you gas or heartburn. I used to eat spicy food like a champion. My stomach has now turned on me. It’s all, “Sorry lady, you can’t handle it no mo, go drink an Ensure and knit me a sweater.”
I am the sad.
9. When you’re hanging out with fellow moms and they talk about their approaching 10 year high school reunion complaining about how “old” they are. Shut your pieholes, some of us had our 20th not too long ago. (Woohoo, go Lobos!)
10. When you go into a room on a mission and then find yourself repeatedly saying, “I know I came into this room for a reason…” This happens too often and your kids look at you with concern on their little faces.
11. When this happens:
Dad: When’s your Birthday again?
Kathy: Next month.
Dad: How old are you going to be, 38?
Dad: What?!?! How did that happen! That’s gross.
By the way, my dad is way cooler than your dad 😉
12. When you tell your kids how old you are and they say in all seriousness, “Did you play with Jesus and dinosaurs when you were our age?”
13. When you’re watching a movie or TV show and you’re swooning over the dudes playing the dads more than the hot young thangs…
*This show is on netflix by the way…
Colin Firth *swooooooooooooooooon* I love you long time.
15. When this atrocity happens:
Kathy: Movie night! We’re gonna brat Pack it up!
Sarah: What’s that?
Kathy: The Breakfast Club.
Sarah: Never heard of it.
Kathy: Less than Zero.
Kathy: Pretty in Pink?
Sarah: I don’t know that one.
Kathy: Some Kind of Wonderful.
Kathy: Sixteen Candles?
Sarah: Ohhhh, what’s that.
Kathy: Are you serious?!?!?! Get out of my house!
Mike: Lol, she’s 10 years younger than you!!
16. When you look back on all your celebrity crushes and all you see is Jake Ryan:
17. When you read the nutritional info on every food item you purchase to make sure it doesn’t have corn syrup, nitrates or preservatives. Organic looks best. I’m not all crazy about it but we try to get good stuff for the boys.
18. When you realize as a kid you thought 40 was all old and decrepit but it really isn’t. True story.
19. When you start peeing in your pants a little. *sigh*
20. When you realize that the next exciting thing after 40 is Senior discounts.
21. When the first Birthday card you receive this year says “Happy 40th Birthday, time for a mammogram!”
22. When all of a sudden you can’t read things unless you squint your eyes and hold the book an arms length away from you.
23. When you start saying things like “Okay, when Josh graduates from high school, I’m going to be 52, so if he gets married when he’s 30, I’ll be 64. That’s not toooooo bad…” and then you start googling women who are 64 to give you an idea of what you’re gonna look like…
24. When you go to urgent care in the middle of the night (last month) because your body is doing things it never did before and freaking the hell out of you and after numerous tests the doc puts a hand on your shoulder and says “I hate to say it Kathy but your body will be changing…this is totally normal for women in their 40’s…”
25. When your children say “40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100! You’re going to get to Heaven soon and see Jesus!”
26. On the way to school today:
Josh: So, we had a super good morning, right?
Kathy: Absolutely! You guys were so good, thank you!
Josh: Even Matthew didn’t annoy you or act crazy at breakfast.
Matty: It’s cause I’m a big boy now.
Kathy: You have to be super good at school, I don’t want to hear anymore complaints from the teacher.
Matty: But I was kinda good yesterday.
Kathy: I don’t want to hear kinda good…I want to hear that you did your work and played nice with your friends.
Matty: Okay mommy. I will start all over again. I will be a good boy today for your Birthday.
Kathy: You have to try and be a good boy everyday, not just on my Birthday.
Matty: Okay mom. I will try super duper hard and then you will give me chocolate and you will love me even more.
Kathy: I already love you so much…I couldn’t possibly love you more than I already do.
Matty: Ohhh, you love me too much. Thanks mom.
27. When you wake up on your 40th Birthday to a whole lotta amazing text messages from loved ones and facebook messages/ posts from your homies…PRICELESS.
28. When you start crying from happiness and ridiculousness cause your husband leaves you this message: <3 <3
Kathy: There’s a typo at the end.
Mike: There is?
Kathy: Yeah, it says “You Sincerely Love” it’s supposed say, “Your Sincere love.”
Mike: Nope, it’s right the way it is.
29. Convo today:
Mom: Happy Birthday Kathy!
Kathy: Thanks mom!
Mom: Where we meeting for lunch?
Mom: Sounds good.
Kathy: Okay, see you soon!
Mom: Make sure you look pretty when you meet us, there’s too many church people that go there for lunch.
Kathy: I’m gonna slather on dirt and dress in my PJ’s.
Kathy: You’re crazy.
Mom: Put on some make-up!
Kathy: Shhhh, I’m rolling in mud right now.
Mom: (Laughing) *sigh* What’s wrong with you.
It was going so well. *sigh* I love my crazyass Korean mother.
30. When you eat all this and the new 40 year old takes some pepcid AC along with the 67 and 77 year old afterwards…Harmony in oldness, hehehe.
31. When it’s not about receiving pretty shiny expensive things anymore but fun things that get you all kinds of excited! Thanks my Hongzeff Boys!:
32. When you spend the morning drinking coffee with a sister friend who buys you a yummy cup of Joe and a cakepop…because it’s your birthday and YOU MUST HAVE A CAKEPOP <3 That’s what she said anyway 😉
33. I sometimes worry about being an older mom but the kids keep me young and everything happens for a reason…I truly believe that so I trust that everything is as it should be and enjoy the ride.
34. When you choose to spend the day doing what your kids want to do…they played games with daddy and I drank yummy drinks. The boys had a blast at Dave and Busters aka “Fun Video Game Land” and with the tickets Mike and I had racked up for years (10,000), the boys got to get a lot of cool
Mommy got a treat too…because it’s my damn Birthday after all.
35. Today was a lot of fun. I received so many Birthday wishes via phone, text message & facebook and they are still coming in. What kinda made me all kinds of veheklempt was how personalized the birthday greetings were…from the memes, the hysterical posts and just incredibly sweet words…I am kinda shocked and at the same time feel so good and proud that I am surrounded by so much sweetness and goodness. Thanks for making this 40 year poopoocacahead broad feel so special today.
THE BONUS: When you say what you feel honestly and proudly and you can back it up with what’s truly inside you without caring what others think of you…That’s the best part. Am I annoying at times, absolutely but I refuse to apologize for being me. Because ain’t nobody got time to sugarcoat and bs people and situations through this unpredictable yet amazing life…that’s the most forgiving, empowering and rad part of having lived pretty much half of a lifetime…realistically. God willing, I live to be old and grey but looking back on what my life has been so far…it’s been incredibly painful, wonderful and I’ve been sheltered and blanketed with blessed and humbling love.
Do I think I deserve all the good? No, but I do know that I will always try to become someone who deserves the heck out of all of it.
*The title is from my buddy Susie who thinks I should have a Party and theme it 4O SHADES OF KATHY…Hahaha. Brilliant.
No party this year…but definitely next year. You’ll be getting an invite 😉
Love you long time, homies and thanks for being a part of this hilarious, fun, heartbreaking, wonderful life…