My Unicorn is Bigger Than Your Unicorn

I usually just ignore people who are plain ignorant and full of verbal diahrrea but sometimes…you have to shut them down not only for your own sanity but also for their sake because they may spew stupidity to the wrong person and get their ass kicked.

I had a conversation with a person who constantly portrays herself as mother of the year on FB and all of social media (She is far from it in real life) bitingly ask me in an incredibly judgemental and snarky way, “What do you do all day if you don’t work? Do you sleep and just lounge around? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself! Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you just give up on yourself and becoming nothing.”

You are so right. I do nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I might as well just roll over and die because I have nothing going for me.

The house gets cleaned by magical unicorns every damn day. Mary Poppins comes and feeds my kids breakfast and gets them ready for school every morning. Meals and school lunches are made by cute little hobbits. I also have a chauffeur who goes and drops off the kids at school and picks them up at 3pm and drives them to their activities and then back home while I sit in my luxurious woman cave eating bonbons and watching Netflx all day. Fairies come and do all my laundry by folding everything and putting them away with sprinkle dust. I also have a Centaur who runs all my errands and do my grocery shopping, dry cleaning, Walmart and Target runs. Then on the weekends, a fairy godmother comes and whisks my boys away and entertains them so I can do whatever my heart desires!

Look, I do all this while trying to maintain a good marriage (Dudes, a good marriage takes a lot of work, it ain’t like the romantic movies or books, it’s more like a black comedy mixed in with a little horror…throw in kids and omigod, it’s SO HARD!! Anyone who says different is a filthy delusional liar), provide a healthy stable home life, try to be there for my aging parents, keep good friendships, work on my blog (The True Tales of a Neurotic SAHM) and first book ever, while trying to find time to help my friends and family out in person, over the phone or via text because I love my homies and because I do have the luxury of making my own schedule.

I do the best I can…I mess up a lot but I try and make it work and learn from my mistakes.

Am I giving myself a pat in the back? Nope, because I chose to be a mother. I chose to be a spouse. My dude and I decided he’d bring home the bacon and I’d be a SAHM and it’s worked out beautifully for the last 9 years. Different things work for different individuals and families. So to me, this is normal. It’s MY normal. This is how I choose to live my life so if you don’t like it?

*shrug* Boo. Freaking. Hoo.

So here’s your big shiny trophy, honey. Now go put it next to your “I am as perfect as they come” award that no one else can see but yourself.

So here’s my PSA for today: Please don’t tell your fellow moms they are doing nothing with their lives just because they don’t lead the same lives as you. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it to them…and if you are going to say something to your fellow moms, let it be words of encouragement and love and advice if they ask for it.

Don’t be an asshole. Motherhood is hard enough. Life is hard enough.

I am incredibly proud of all my friends who are working moms, SAHM’s, SAHD’s and moms and dads on the go…I support all of them and as long as they are happy and their kids are happy…That is all that matters.

As for me? I’m about to jump on my big magical unicorn with the most beautiful rainbow mane and ride off into happyland to do some uninterrupted reading (I’m currently reading The Butterfly Garden by Dot Hutchison) while the Easter bunny goes to Costco for me on my Centaur with my two perfect little kids.

*sigh*

Opening beer, inserting into mouth. Breathe in…and exhaaaaaaaaaale all the flabbergastedness.

I’m good. I’m okay now.