Mommy confession: I find myself saying things like “You’re moving too slow!” “Go, go, go!” And “You’re a big boy now, start acting like it!” to the boys a lot lately.
So something Mike said to me tonight really bothered me but I couldn’t get mad because I had no right to because what he said was absolute truth.
“You have no patience whatsoever. Sometimes, you’re like a little scary North Korean Dicktator of the OC…”
Makes me sound kinda like a bully. Ouch.
Nothing like a calm quiet night and watching your kids sleeping peacefully to feel the onslaught of guilt and feelings of total failure as a mother. Sure I feed them, cloth them, bathe them, keep them alive and do the mom thing but I’ve been so terrified of the boys growing up so quickly in this crazy world, I’ve managed to numb the fear and pain by being a bit scarier to toughen them up…for lack of a better word.
I’m not a horrible mom I know, but I am capable of being so much better. That saying, “Well, we do the best we can…” doesn’t always apply when it comes to parenting… that’s just plain truth. Cause a lot of times, we absolutely are not at our best and we create more material for our daily “Book of regrets” when it comes to our kids.
But having said that, the truth is, cause let’s keep it real REAAAAAAAAAAAAAL, it’s completely unrealistic to think we’re always going to be patient and speak to our kids in a kind gentle voice everytime they test our patience…especially when you’ve told them repeatedly in a nice tone to pick up their clothes, do their homework, clean up their room, stop hitting eachother, stop whining about the food on the table and to please go wash their hands and faces when they get home from school and they just don’t do it. It’s like they completely disregard everything that comes out of your mouth and just sit there staring off into space or fighting over who put their clothes on first in the morning, reducing the other one into tears. It’s frustrating to feel ignored when you do so much for your kids and often times I feel like I must not be very important to the boys because they just don’t seem to care about anything I say or do for them.
I know, totally dramatic…but yep, I go there sometimes.
And it’s completely normal to feel this way.
I know I’m not alone in feeling like this.
I know I am so lucky to have two healthy, beautiful and precocious boys who are larger than life in my eyes.
Lets face it, there’s no undoing mistakes and do overs…what we do and say to the kids is forever. So let’s try to not muck it up. When I go into drill sargeant mode, Mike always says “Dont you want the boys to want to come visit us when they are all grown up?” And that snaps me out of it. Thank God Mike and I put eachother in check when we need to be. That’s one thing I love most about our marriage.
So the next time I feel frustrated, ungrateful and find myself losing my patience, I am going to repeat the following words to myself:
“Get a grip. You have absolutely nothing to complain about. The boys are just being kids. Let them know it’s okay sometimes to be slow when you’re in a hurry, to be silly when you’re not supposed to be. Why are you in such a hurry for them to grow up? Do not turn a 1 situation into a 10. Adults do this crap and the boys are only 3 and 5. JUST BREATHE and stop being such an A-hole.”
I’m never gonna be the mom that speaks to their kids in soft little voices of sweetness and delight every day even when they are acting like little misfits…I don’t sound like that even when I’m happy, hahaha. I’m not the type to call my kids angels and sweet sugary blessings…because they aren’t. But what I can do is not go from 1 to 10 when the kids are not listening or misbehaving. THAT, I can absolutely try and do.
So tomorrow morning, I’m going to apologize to them and ask them for their forgiveness. I’m sure Josh will hug me like he always does and say “It’s okay, I love you so much mom!” and Matty will give me his usual RBF look and say “You’re crazy. Give me chocolate…now!”
Love you long time,