Relationships: Mars and Venus is Utter Crap
In 2014, I had 7 friends end their marriages. SEVEN. All with multiple kids. To the world, it’s just 7 more numbers to add to a statistic, but to me, it’s heartbreaking and it SUCKS. All seven told me the same thing. The main culprit that killed it all: Lack of communication.
I just got off the phone with one of them who is heartbroken and she told me I should share the advice I gave her so…here it is.
You’re about to read something that will either piss you off or make you happy I wrote the following out loud. Either way, here it is. I write what I know, and this is what I know.
I feel extremely lucky to have been raised by parents who have been happily married for 44 years. Watching them work at their relationship and love each other immensely no doubt, shaped my views on what a marriage is and should be like. I’ve known my dude for 8 years and have been married for 7 years and I thank God everyday for him. Our marriage has its highs and lows but it’s pretty hysterical most of the time and we make it work:
So the whole Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus crap is so dumb and has always been from its inception in my opinion. Sure, it’s clever but it only made the already delicate relations between the two sexes even more ridiculous and difficult.
The number one reason…the most basic common sense reason why there are problems to begin with in any relationship is the lack of:
I hear it all the time. They write books and make movies about it. It is the killer of relationships…not only marriages but friendships as well.
Sweeping any issues big or small under the rug of DENIAL/IT’S EASIER TO IGNORE IT will turn into a crapstorm of he said/she said. As time goes on…no vacuum, miracle sweeper or Roomba is going to clean up that mess.
Talk everything out and do it respectively. Don’t turn into a child and say things you will regret because once it’s out there, it isn’t going anywhere. Just like the internet, if you put a naked picture of yourself out there, It will forever exist in Webland. Please “fight” respectively. If you are ever afraid of saying something in fear of the other person fleeing the relationship, then you have bigger problems to sort out. That thought should never cross your mind. You should have enough faith in your relationship to not think such things. For the couples who got this communication thing down, you know exactly what I’m saying.
Women, men are not MINDREADERS. I’m gonna say this 3 more times just to get the message across.
1. MEN ARE NOT MINDREADERS.
2. MEN ARE NOT MINDREADERS.
3. MEN ARE NOT MINDREADERS.
You want them to know something? TELL THEM EVERYTHING THOROUGHLY. Not because they’re dumb, but because you don’t want to leave any room for misinterpretation. Don’t be one of those girls who say “Well, he should figure it out, if he wants me bad enough…” Don’t play that game, you’ll only get burned and you’re not that special. There are other fishes in the sea. So if you really like him, respect him, treat him like he’s your prince charming.
Men, when women are talking to you, pay attention. Don’t just “look” like you’re interested or do the obligatory nod every few seconds to seem like a good guy, actually LISTEN to each word that comes out of their mouths and when you communicate with them, do not leave anything to be questioned, speak precisely and thoroughly as well.
How will you know if you really like the girl you’re with? Simple, you’ll sincerely pay attention to all her words and needs and find it all interesting. If you don’t care, Get out of the relationship, you’re not into her. Don’t waste her time, don’t waste your time. So if you really like her? Respect her, treat her like she’s the most beautiful thing you know.
You want to marry her? You better stick to your end of the bargain and mean it when you utter the words, “In good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” Ladies, same goes for you too, equally.
And don’t go into a marriage thinking you’re going to change what you think is your future spouses bad habits.
Just like potty training, they aren’t going to pee in the toilet unless THEY WANT TO THEMSELVES. Just like quitting smoking, doesn’t matter how many nicotine patches or gums they use, they aren’t going to stop smoking unless THEY WANT TO THEMSELVES.
And stay away from master manipulators. Those who say one thing and do another…that will just mess up a person’s head and life. They are dangerous and harmful to any relationship. They prey on the vulnerable, don’t fall victim to these bastards. One of the biggest red flags, EVER. whoever you’re with should make you feel wonderful, attractive, loved, special…not to fullfill their own needs but your own. Don’t let anyone shape your mind into thinking anything less about yourself or others when you know better.
Marriage isn’t anything like the movies or TV shows. If you think marriage should flow fluidly and shouldn’t require any work? You’re completely and utterly delusional. And don’t misinterpret the word work here. Work in a marriage means communicating, continuously respecting the other persons needs and wishes and compromising in all things that pertain to your lives. Doesn’t sound like so much work now, right?
And if you’re married with kids and buy into the whole “Sex is dead after marriage” (What idiot started this crap anyway?) Then you’re an idiot. He’s your husband, not your brother. She’s your wife, not your sister. Treat each other appropriately. We also live in a world where you could learn how to spice things up as well. There are books, there are toys. The internet is also your friend. Use it.
The human body needs it…and if you don’t give it to them…don’t get all Jerry Springer on them when/if they find it somewhere else. I’m not condoning cheating, I think cheating is horrible but more often than not, it takes two to tango. Having said that, I know couples who struggled with infidelity and they fought to stay together and are happy again.
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE with communication.
And I love what one of my friends husbands said to me a year ago about women who just let themselves go and think their husbands should find them just as attractive as they did from the very beginning.
“Sure, they still love their wives but…they have eyes…men are visual.” So if that’s what your husband likes? Take care of yourselves. Not only for him but mostly, for yourself. I’m not saying look like one of those fitness models, just look the way that’s going to make you feel and be happy.
Most importantly, LAUGH. Have fun for God’s sake!!! Marriage should be an adventure, not a prison sentence. When you are both old and grey and look like prunes, the thing that will be constant will be love and laughter. Personally, I can’t stay mad at Mike for long because he ALWAYS ends up making me laugh somehow…I’ve shared some of the things he’s done on Facebook, it’s real and it’s hilarious.
Also, I find that instead of communicating with each other, a lot of men and women complain about their spouses with their friends and family. Dudes and ladies, why waste time keeping your partners continuously in the dark when you should be talking to each other and resolving issues that could be easily resolved? Words get twisted, people start talking and it becomes an even uglier thing. Talk to each other. Hash it out. Try.
You don’t stop growing up once you’re a so called adult. Personal growth continues until the very end and if you’re lucky enough to have someone who you love and loves you back, you go through the journey together, hand in hand, never wavering, always on the same path growing together as well, through compromise.
P.S I know there are multiple of reasons why people divorce and it’s absolutely necessary for some for their own sanity and/or safety to get out, but I can’t help but to think there are marriages on the brink of death that could’ve been saved and still could be saved. That’s all.
*sigh* Dammit, it’s only 10am and I need a drink.