Diary of a 16 Year Old Kathy: This is the Sad
Looking through old diaries and I found this excerpt from the 11th grade:
Kathy Hong (Age 16):
“My mom keeps on trying to get me to wear a little makeup but what’s the point. There’s no use trying to pretty up something when the canvas is broken. Nothing much to work with…I don’t want her to waste her hard earned money on something that will never be fixed. I feel sorry for them. The handsome actor and his beautiful wife. What a waste that they had someone like me…”
Here I am 23 years later, completely heartbroken reading these words I had written so confidently in self hatred over something as useless as a shell.
I know that now.
It’s because of this, that when I see kids who seem broken like I was, I want to just go up to them, give them a big hug and tell them to stay strong and charge on. To wait it out, to never give in to the voice in their head that tells them they are better off dead, to not be so hard on themselves, to never give up …that even though life seems to resemble a John Hughes movie right now, it’s fleeting. Once reality kicks in, there’s a great chance that they will find beauty in themselves they never thought possible. That a persons self worth is not based on the placing of your eyes, nose, mouth and whatever other body parts…
It’s how you live your damn life and learning to find value in things you never thought important as a kid.
The girl who used to cry every night looking for an easy way out, the girl who used to curse at God for the cards she was dealt with, the girl who used to walk around with her head down everywhere she roamed in fear of cruel words, the girl who thought God might have been taste testing the invention of whiskey on the same day he created her…is now happily married to a great hilarious, sweet and smart man who adores her and is the mother of two gorgeous little crazy boys who have big hearts and even bigger personalities.
And because I felt like I didn’t have much going for myself in the worldly sense where beauty is everything…I masked everything being funny, weird and silly. Instead of staying broken, I started developing a very outgoing personality and found myself creating a sense of self that was…good and healthy.
The journey hasn’t been easy but man, it’s been so damn worth all the pain and anguish. That very path to redemption and realization of self worth not only makes you truly happy but makes you so much stronger than you could ever imagine.
Life turns out okay…all you need is a lot of faith, a little dash of puberty, a sense of humor and a whole lot of patience.
If I could talk to the girl I was years ago who exhaled such tragedies and wrote herself off in permanent ink, I would tell her simply this:
Just breath and enjoy being a kid. Your life will be amazing, you just wait and see.
I PROMISE YOU. IT WILL BE OKAY. YOU ARE RADNESS IN HUMAN FORM.
“We are all fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Love you long time.