Change is good…even when it hurts.
2016 has been a crazy year on so many levels.
This year brought a lot of anger, resentment and pain out of me…I haven’t had this many ups and downs since puberty.
✔️Health issues for me and those I love but we’re all slowly but surely getting better.
✔️Faced head on with a demon that held me prisoner for years and I annihilated it.
✔️Emotionally rocked by seeing people who I love fiercely go through marriage hell.
But I’m glad every single thing happened this year. It shaped me into a stronger person. Into more of an adult.
I see people throw “I love you!” around so much that it’s lost it’s meaning…
With Koreans, it’s hard. It’s the culture…it’s an Asian thing…You know that saying, “Actions speak louder than words?” That’s how we do it. That’s at least how my Korean family has done it.
My parents tell my boys “I love you!” All the time…multiple times and I remember the first time they said those words to Josh and Matty while smothering them with hugs and kisses, I was like, “Hellllllooooo, what about me?” And they laughed and said the 3 words to me. The very 3 words I rarely heard but absolutely felt all my life from them through the things they sacrificed and did for Chris and I.
As my parents get older, I find it easier to say those words but harder to keep my emotions contained as soon as those words leave my mouth and their mouths. Does that make any sense?
Seeing my parents get old has been really hard…seeing them struggle through health issues and seeing them deal with the realization that the end could happen at any moment, is so…nerve racking and painful to process.
So all we can do is just love…unapologetically through our actions and words, every chance we get.
One profound big lesson I’ve learned this year is that it’s painful to care so much…about anything. I’ve always put so much importance on things that honestly don’t and shouldn’t matter at all. I’ve always cared too much…that’s been my kryptonite and my saving grace. I know I am not alone in this.
No more. I’m giving myself permission to not give myself to anyone who loves me or likes me only when it’s convenient to them. No one should. I choose to love myself despite it all. I choose to speak up and do whatever the hell it is I choose to without caring what others say or think. I choose to give zero F’s without feeling an ounce of guilt. I choose to give my heart and time freely to whoever the hell I want to.
THAT is what my parents have taught me. I am worthy of all good things…I am worthy of profound love and hope even if I come fully flawed and broken.
So the best way to say thank you to my parents who have taught me everything there is about love, honor and faith in my God, in people and in myself…is to love hard and fiercely and not be ashamed of who I am or let anyone or anything make me feel unworthy of goodness and love. I hope to teach my boys and try and be half the parents they were when I was a child and now as an adult. I dream that they grow up to love love love and be strong and far better than me.
I am who I am and I love the person I’ve become.
We were not created to hate but to love and to be heard and seen. We were also created to help and serve one another whether it be a kind gesture or a check in to say, “out of all the people in the world, I am thinking you, my friend…”
What a blessing it’s been to be loved, encouraged and prayed for by so many great people.
It’s been a hard year…but it’s been a fierce year…and I am stronger for it. I hope I have been a positive force for some of you too and if I wasn’t…I apologize…I am a work in progress.
I know I’ve changed. I can feel it in my bones and everything I am. For a while I questioned if it was a change for the better or worse. I struggled internally. So I found myself asking Mike, “Did I get meaner? Am I just darker and not that good of a person, anymore?” And he said…
“Nope…you’re still the same Kathy…just a helluva more braver.”
My sweet dude, always knows how to calm my soul.
I rise…with so many of you.
Now where’s our damn unicorns so we can ride off into the sunset together…