To my Friends who are Weary & Broken
To the weary and broken,
I remember growing up thinking my brother deserved way more love than I did from my parents. In my opinion, I just couldn’t do anything right. No matter how hard I tried in all things life, I could never do things the way they were intended to be done or do anything really well for that matter. I didn’t get the good grades, I couldn’t follow through with any sports or clubs and I always found myself behind everyone when it came to fashion, current events and just the things that were supposed to be so important.
I felt like a big fat ugly zero in a world of people who were just kicking ass at life.
I was never pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough or good enough to hang out with the cool kids. I just didn’t have what it took to be given a chance or a second glance.
I felt such love for God cause I was given an amazing family but I also had such anger towards him because I felt like he didn’t put any effort in when he created me. For a while there I thought maybe I was created the same day alcohol was. Maybe I was a product of something he did in a drunken stupor. I know…completely ridiculous but when you’re a kid and you feel like you are nothing…anything seems to be possible no matter how dumb.
Life was easy in the sense that I grew up so rich in love and with the comfort of those who loved me unconditionally but I felt the guilt and shame of not being worthy of any of it and it wasn’t them that made me feel like this…it was me.
I’m sharing my personal struggles with the ones who are broken right now. The ones who are going through the motions of everything I went through…that so many go through.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
For every thought that comes in your head of wanting to end it all or thinking you are nothing but a waste of human skin…there are those who love everything about you. There are those who would feel so empty without you in their lives. The brokeness, the fractures you find so hideous and beyond repair…there are people who would come to your side in a blink of an eye with a tub of industrial size crazy glue to help put every beautiful piece of you back together again.
I ain’t gonna lie, it’s gonna be messy, hella messy and there’s gonna be some epic worthy breakdown moments of “I’m not fixable!!” but every single time you get back up, you’ll feel stronger and stronger.
Along the journey, you’re going to make some horrible mistakes and choices in all things family, friends and life but everyone’s guilty of it. The only thing we can do is move on…step forward to bettering ourselves daily and humbly.
And that day will come…The day you never ever thought you’d live to see when you’ll look back on every single bad thing that ever happened to you and realize you’re still alive, you SURVIVED.
You may have felt like you were broken beyond repair but your courage to move on, your determination to backstroke through the bad, your strength to catch the hellish curveballs that life threw at you with bruised and battered hands will ultimately make you feel capable of great things.
Your faith in yourself will grow strong and you will finally feel free and beautiful.
And if you need meds to get through the day, or just to survive and be able to be yourself and function…do whatever you need to make you feel good and right. Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed for needing some prescribed help. It exists to help you. Let it help you.
While so many people find their calling in life and find that niche that makes them live with purpose and meaning…I feel like I’ve never really found mine. I’ve never been really really good at anything in life…and in recent years, I’ve finally come to realize, there is nothing wrong with that. I am totally okay with just being a simple humanoid who’s enjoying her life as much as she can and being grateful for the good, bad and the ugly. Maybe my purpose in life is to help people get through hard times with a silly meme or a dorky comment on FB and in person. Maybe my niche is just trying to be an encouraging friend when times are crappy…or maybe it’s to annoy people with my super long posts and blogs cause my fingers can’t seem to shut up 😉 maybe that’s my great thing in life…Who knows…all I know is I don’t care to be anything grand or spectacular…it’s super duper hard trying to be a good human as is…so if that’s my purpose in life…so be it.
I am perfectly content with being a silly SAHM who loves her family, her friends and finds joy in writing, laughing and loving and be whoever I want to be no matter what.
Fully flawed and broken.
Cause dudes, this is me…you do you.
Thinking back now, I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for my mom and dad to see me so down on myself and so hateful of someone they created out of pure love.
There will always be a part of me that will feel so guilty about that but all I can do now is try to be at least a small fraction of the kind of daughter they are proud of and always deserved.
And to the friends & family who have stuck by me through the years who have the residue of the crazy glue they used to help put me back together imprinted on their hands and hearts, you know who you are…and I will be forever grateful for your patience, love and grace through my storm.
To my broken and weary soulmates,
I know how you feel.
I know the struggle is so very real.
But now, I stand tall and firmly on stable ground.
Put back together by all that is true and real and sustainable.
I will never again be shaken or broken again.
If life wants to throw me more curveballs…Come at me bro.
If you ever want to talk…I’m here.
With much love, your homie,
Kathy Hong Kobzeff
Survivor and friend to rad humans
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline