TMHS: My Husband Being Whimsical

From time to time, I’ll share funny things my dude says to me…

Exhibit A:

(Watching ‘Alaska: The last frontier’ on the Discovery channel)

Mike: That’s what I need to do.
Kathy: Well I ain’t going there.
Mike: Hunting for your own food, making your own house…you do everything yourself.
Kathy: No thanks, I need a mall within 5 miles from me and I’m not taking about a little strip mall called the piggly wiggly either.
Mike: Let’s just give this all up and go live off the grid in Alaska.
Kathy: You slept in your sweatshirt with the hoodie on over your beanie, sweatpants and thick wool socks last night cause it was like 60 degrees and you think you’re going to go live off the grid in Alaska? You wouldn’t last a week!
Mike: You are a cruel cruel vile woman.
Kathy: No, I’m a smart and realistic woman who loves you.
Mike: I wonder if the Kilcher’s will adopt me.

Exhibit B:

Mike: Yikes, you have MAJOR raccoon eyes going on there babe.
Kathy: I should have worn sunscreen, it’s not that bad, right?
Mike: No, it’s not.
Kathy: Let’s go to sleep so we won’t miss church tomorrow.
Mike: Wait, you’re going out in public looking like that?

Exhibit C:

Mike: I’m sooooo tired…
Kathy: Stop complaining, you got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I got 5 total because Matthew woke up a few times hungry and fussy last night.
Mike: Yeah but it’s scientifically proven that old people don’t need as much sleep…
Kathy: Excuse me?
Mike: (singing) “Have I told you lately, that I love you…”

Exhibit D:

Kathy: (I belched loudly) Maybe I should stop doing that from now on.
Mike: Yeah, that’s a good idea. They’re gonna grow up wanting to date and marry girls who do that.
Kathy: Why not? What’s wrong with me? You should totally want them to end up with a girl like me!
Mike: No, I want them to end up with hot Brazillian women so I can go over to there house and stare at them.

Exhibit E:

Kathy: Um, what happened to the donut that was in the fridge?
Mike: Woman! Stop bringing that stuff in the house, I will eat it!
Kathy: That little donut was my ultimate cheat day little snack!!
Mike: I have two weaknesses in life, donuts and a little tiny Asian woman.

Exhibit F:

Kathy: I like your haircut.
Mike: Thanks, you gotta go get one too. Maybe something super short.
Kathy: Naw, I think I’m gonna grow it out.
Mike: No babe just cut it, you look so cute with short hair. You look old with long hair.
Kathy: You did it again.
Mike: Did what?
Kathy: You said I look old!
Mike: I meant you look older…OLDER. You know I love you no matter what.
Kathy: Stop talking, you’re digging yourself into a bigger hole Michael.
Mike: I didn’t mean old. I meant older. (Pause) I’m sorry, heh. I swear it came out wrong.
Kathy: My face is too fat for super short hair anyway.
Mike: No it’s not, your face got thinner. It doesn’t look like a giant planet anymore, it was HUGE before but it’s normal now.
Kathy: You need to shut up NOW.
(Pause)
Mike: I love you.

Exhibit G:

Kathy: I had people tell me yesterday at the restaurant and the grocery store how cute they thought the boys were.
Mike: Did you tell them that your husband was a delicious white man or did you tell them the truth.
Kathy: The truth.

Exhibit H:

Kathy: Ohhhh, I know what I want for Christmas!
Mike: Michael Hongzeff?
Kathy: No thank you.
Mike: You’re a vile vicious woman.

Some of my favorite quotes on a lasting marriage.

“I have steak at home. Why should I go out for hamburger?”
– on why Paul Newman never cheated on his wife of 50 years

“Any marriage is hard work, but what I always say is, ‘Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.’ ” – Kevin Bacon (married 24 years)

Billy Graham, married to Ruth Bell for 64 years: “Ruth and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have a great one … For a married couple to expect perfection in each other is unrealistic.”